no one can change anyone  if we can it is miracle. so do not argue with him. just shower more love on him, he will feel guilty and change himself. pray God dont worry

hi,

thanks for your comments.. but how long? He wants me to say ok for everything and dance according to wat he say..hope u understand my situation.. praying god and thinking how to overcome this. I have a kid also.. so thinking deeply.

A few suggestions

For him to spend more time with u

• Stop being worried and showing it out
• Involve him in family outings even if its to take ur child for his regular vaccines or to the supermarket
• Plan some weekend trip
• Try to do some thing together.something both of u enjoy or with ur object in mind something he likes..even if it means jus walking for half an hour every week!
• Once a month dinner outside...weekends preffered
• Taking your child to some playarea

For him to love you

• Respect his friends even though they aren't worth it
• Welcome his friends home
• Stop being possessive
• If he drinks tooooo much...tell him gently to decrease the quantity

For u to have a life of ur own

• Since ur husband loves his friends sooo much invite them with their family for dinner / lunch and try to befriend the wives....
• organise family meets/outings and wives meets
• Try a hobby
• chill out with friends..am sure ur hus can never complain since he is doing the same thing

Am sure if u do all the above simultaneously in comfortable proportions ( don't over do it though ) u'll do great

Hi, can you both go to a marriage councellor? Its not a bad thing, it may help.

hi,

Regarding buzzy's comments.. thanks for your suggestions.. But the thing is that i have tried out all possibilities.. He wont come out with me in the week end evenings.. he will take me out only during the day time as he dont want to miss out his friends hang out.. And regarding get together wives meet.. they do not want the wives to join them as they think that we ll disturb their privacy and they cannnot enjoy with friends..

And regarding shanthi's comments.. I was also thinking that.. But dont know how to approach and whom to approach? who is the good counsellor in chennai? will it get solved through counselling? cos he is not bothered to listen neither his parents words nor mine? will he listen to counselling?

dont think i m posting many questions.. cos i tried out all possibilities.. i m totally fed up and i need to relax and need my life to be happy. pls help..

yes, you have a right to be happy. Do you think he is addicted?

How does the wives of all these friends feel like? same as yours or you are the only one ? Talk to them on how they are managing. You'll get some hints.

How old are your kids? As junitha says, a good father will listen to his children if not his parents or wife. Ask your kids to call him out instead of you calling. Sometimes the kids are so nagging, that unable to bear them, he'll just start taking your family out during weekends and nights.

You can post this question to chennaimoms expert panel - counselor Mrs. Chandini.

I think you and your husband - both of you should go to the marriage counsellor. Will he come with you? Your husband need not listen to this third person, but this third person will listen to your husband's point of view and try to find a solution for both of you. So it's worth giving a try.

Hi ,

Hope u have good contact with his friends wives , ask their opinion , how they are feeling ? I am sure all will have same mentatily like you ... in that case :

regarding get together wives meet.. they do not want the wives to join them as they think that we ll disturb their privacy and they cannnot enjoy with friends..

Buzzgks , says that you have to arrange a meeting at your home ... call them all to your house ...U wives arrange for parties ...prepare food and bring it to one house and u all enjoy ...if they want to drink , let them do in one room and u all keep chatting and let kids play together ... like this each weekend at one house ...they themselve will not feel like drinking at home so they may change ... if this is not possible ...

try to act as if you are not bothered about his presence at home ... before he comes home make ur child sleep and in few days may be he will feel that he was not able to see / talk to  his kid ..

Don't keep saying that u always go out with ur frnds. what will i do ? instead ask him that today at what time u will leave ? r u not going today ?? when he is about to start from home .. u don't be upset or angry instead be happy .... if he is at home you keep talking to some of your friends or u finish ur work soon and u get it into ur hobby or chatting in net with frnds., playing games ...something like this ... 

u all wives should join together and do some  ( sathi thittam ) or strike ... soon they will change ...   

No worries sure your husband will change .. and we all will pray for you...

I too agree with Gayathri. The more he feels neglected he may start feeling odd. dont make him know u r neglecting him but things r just happening the way .  The more u say that u dont like his friends the more he will do it. just pretend u r ok with that .Give it a try for 3 months again if he doesnt change we will have to look for something else.

I too agree with Gayathri. Plan some activity for yourself alone once in a while, in the day time so that he can take care of the kid. You can just go shopping or to the parlour or any place you like. So that he knows how it is to spend the day all alone managing the kid also. Do it cheerfully so that you also enjoy and get a break.

Hi All,

thank you all for your comments.. All his friend's wives are feeling the same.. And regarding the marriage counselling .. I spoke to him yesterday.. He was shouting at me when i asked him..I think he wont come for listening.. Better I should take my life as it comes.. Cos he is asking me to change as if I am doing wrong.. He is not understanding me.. Hope one day he ll change.. Till then i should keep quiet and keep all my expectation silent.

And regarding the kid.. I have 2 years kid only so i m not able to do anything with that. But i need some relaxation.. I am also just 24. I got married at 21 itself.. I didnt enjoy my life. I miss everything.. I feel bad for marrying soon !!! Pathetic life !!!! Trusting in GOD thats it..

Hi, please do take up some activity that you enjoy anything stitching, painting, music, reading, yoga or some studies like part time courses. When the kid is sleeping etc you can do that activity. That way, you will not have time to think about this. You can also do the Art of Living course. Do you talk to your parents regarding this? What do they say?

Do not worry. These phases ........... I too had faced in my life. I got marreid at 20 and had child at 21. It was reverse , he did drink and spoke bad about me and roamed and said i roamed every where and had contacts with others ...etc. One day he slapped me kicked and threw me out of the house with the kid (while he was drunk). Finally after 4 years of torture from him and my MIL , i decided to divorce him, adn sent a notice to him. Finally after three months of the notice he apologised and we started a new life seperately. At that time, i left him and stayed at my mom's place, where he and my MIL came to look at the child several times and i refused to show them. So i am not askling you to do the same but you might get an idea.

Pray god. and once visit Pondichery mother ashram, Write ehat your feelings are and drop it down in the boc there and you will really get a good solution.

take care

The main problem with these kind of men is that they refuse to come out of bachelor life. They never want to go out of all that joy the bachelor life gives them while having a family back at home-want to be settled-and also be a bachelor. This actually does not alone stop with drinking or wasting time but it actually makes them unequipped for a future. They wont switch jobs,wont concentrate in career,wont think of going going heights,never give importance to learning or growing and adapting themselves to changing needs of their career,will stick to the present jobs and when that job is at stake,when their financials are at risk they again take to drinks to escape from responsibilities, wreck family,marraige and the kids too suffer. This should almost be the same with all of his friends.so try to meet other friend's wives too. see as how all of u can change them,may be moving to other cities.... and dont rely upon yr husband alone for income for the family. u try to stand on yr own legs,support atleast u and yr kid if u have to. Dont ever fight in front of the child. The child observes everything and it's emotional development depends upon the family environment. engage him as much as possible, enjoy his interests even if its irritating,make him feel that you too are important, see what he expects from you,make him understand what u ask of him in a polite way,talk about future,investments....and if nothing works.....see if he is weak to family sentiments and as SKSumitrasree said allow him to come begging behind you....there is nothing as powerful as prayers. My brother's wife is mentally disturbed.she wouldnt cooperate for the treatment nor would allow him to live peacefully. suddenly she would vanish from home. He like a housewife is taking care of his kids while doing the household too. I have brought his elder son so atleast half his burden would lessen...we pray and we hope only that can relieve him. POndicherry mother ashram was advised for us too.they say it makes miraculous change and they make special prayers for such cases. and another suggestion was visiting Manthralayam and taking a 40-42 day vow. many suggested that.try it out. best wishes.

I am working in a very reputed concern in a good post.. I m earning sufficient and I am independent only.

U r right tamil..He do not want to come out of his bachelor life and I should not ask any questions..He want me to nod my head for everything... There is no freedom of speech for me.. I was brought up by my parents very chellama.. They have not scolded me even once.. I struggled a lot, studied and got a good post in a very reputed concern.. Stood School first, University rank holder.. But all useless... No peaceful mind.. No happy life..Personal life is not good.. Praying god that I should have any turning point.. If he is out of his friends thats fine for me...

u r so young to have lost touch with your friends. Revive all your friendship and try to talk to them, go out with them esp when your husband also plan his outings. Go out for lunch/movie with your office friends and make sure you tell your husband how good that outing was without his presence. Make him jealous of your friends and outing. I hope he is not restricting you from having fun right?

You have so many good things for you. Good education, good job, a baby 2 years old. Please do consider our suggestions and don't think of the 'No's for some time, say a month.

Well,I was reading all the suggestions so far..I think all of them were really worth a try..I pray for  your success in achieving your goals..All the best....You are still very young..Dont lose heart..Anything is possible if you give it your best shot..but at the same time make sure you find relaxations and diversions for yourself too..After all you need to be balanced to be a good pateint mom too..and your child desreves the best of you...Always!!

 Very true suggestions by all of them.Of all i read, the common suggestions which even i felt u should try is

1 Realise the fact that you cannot change anyone.

2 You should give him his space and you should have yours.

3 Life doesn't start with husband and end with husband, try to overcome that unconditional love you have for him, especially if he is not worth it.

4 Spend quality time with your kid and your friends, especially weekends when he has his own plans.

5 Make him feel jealous of you. praise the meetings even if it is not worth.

6 Don't miss any of CHENNAIMOMS meetings...you'll get live tips from handson experienced ladies

we actually want to know you better...

1 Was yours an arranged marriage or love marriage?

2 Does he keep you informed about the place he's going to meet his friends?

3 Does he love you?

I was reading thru all these posts .. Some of the points will get repeated as there are many opinions here..

Friend.... I have a basic question - Why r u so worried about this ?? Life is not only in giong out with your husband in Friday and sat Evenings.. IF he is spending enough time with you in the mroning or say weekdays , it doesnt really matter .. .. It hurts..I agree - but dont take it beyond a point ... 

I wil tell you what ? When we get married ,we think that Husband should always be with you . The main reason is that we leave our parents and everything behind and enter into a new life  and our life revolves around him ..So it is natural to expect that he should also be the same in return .... I got married very early and mine was a love marriage - So it was all the more troublesome .I wanted my hubby to me with me always , take me out ,roam around etc  bcoz we were like that when we were in love.. My hubby used to go out all the time with his friends as he was only married person in the gang  - I was also too young and started fighting with him.. But soon i realized couple of facts..

1) Marriage is sharing of life with another person - But dedicating your life..

2) Whomever it is ,be it husband or wife , they need their own space and freedom..

3)  Expectation  spoils happiness -  U dont expect anything from your kid  - The love of a mother is unconditional - it expects nothing in return - the same applies to a husband also.. 

4) Life is too short to get bogged down with problems - So live the moment to the fullest..

5) Men are different and they have different view of life - You really can't change a matured indivial..

So , I became so close with their friends and i used to go out with them  - If they want to be alone ,they will let me know and i used to go for my own trips - be it beatuy parlor , be it movies with friends anything..... Beyond a point , i never asked my hubby to take me out as I was enjoying my life in my own way and when we are togetheer, we used to discuss our trips( with friends )..  Beyond a point , my hubby started complaining that i am not spending time with him . 

My piece of advise to you ...  Love a person for what he is .. Never try to change - If being with his friends gives him the happiness , then So be it .. dont spoil it .After all , he is your husband and you want him to live happily.. Never complain ..Have a open talk with him and tell him your feelings.. Then never raise the topic again and start living your life... 

Follow our friends advise of goging out, having your own time etc etc  ....  Call his friends to home freq  etc...

you have many friends out here .. Start enjoying

Let me conclude

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Sorry ,  Missed to include "Not in point 1 " 

1) Marriage is sharing of life with another person - NOT dedicating your life..

Hi

Try to find one good and close friend of your husband, whos words ur hubby will listen to, u talk to that person tell how u feel and how much u want ur hubby to be with u and how much u love him, if that person  is really a good friend of ur husband, he will surely talk to ur husband and make him understand ur importance, all the best friend.  

 Hi, 

I read ur post, I Feel really bad abt ur husband. 

My question is the drinking habit came after marriage or before marriage?

And u dont argue with him for silly reasons, bcoz it may irritate him and he will avoid u totally.

After he returns from ofiz , keeps urself fresh and beautiful,enjoy the evening hold his hands and speak to him. . tell him abt his good characters, praise him( chumma a false praise) and say that u feel alone without his presence. Talk abt the kid naughty things happend in day time.. Refresh him by giving snacks by your own preparation. During bed time when u r close speak to him, tell abt ur feelings.

He will surely understand...

All the best

 hi friend ... there are some beautiful tips frm ppl in this post ... its so comprehensive... hope u find something that works for u soon... all the very best and stay positive.

Dear someone,

Except this drinking habit, what is wrong with your husband?

Hanging out with friends is a crime? why do you want to move him away from his friends??!!  Yes drinking too much like this IS a crime!! You will need to react to this... but not now.. leave some gap now.  Whatever you say now, scream, advise, cry, calling to him a counselor .. you are just feeding his ego and that would do no help to you, but may damage your relationship.  Men never like to be dictated or controlled.. such ego bombs! even if they know what u say is correct, they would try to do against it at least delay in agreeing with you. 

And why harping on this one bad habit of your husband.  You said he adjusted office timings just to drop his friend.  If he is so considerate towards a friend, imagine whats in store for you!!! just have some patience, love his other qualities and respect him... give some space to him to understand you and your love to him..... you said he is actually a good person and is ready to take you out other than the days of his meet with friends and gets everything what you need!

Nobody is perfect in this world.. (including you and me!)... this is his bad habit.. help him to come out of it than ask him to stop his habits overnite.  Love him for his positive qualities.  Respect him and get respect... when everything is in a balance discuss with him that this habit is not only creating scars in his liver, but also in the relationship.

and again, there is no crease that wouldnt iron out with love...

Stop worrying and enjoy every moment of your life!!!! God Bless You Both!!!

Hi,

thank you all for ur comments.. Mine is an arranged marriage.. He told me that he ll drink occasionally during parties when i got married. He is totally avoiding me now.. Anyways I ll follow all the advise given by you people.. I am not going to ask him anything henceforth..

I need some friends for diversion. thats it. As i feel very lonely I am always behind him. I lost all my friends in college. They also got married and they are living their own life. I do not want to disturb them....

Thats the purpose of this website my dear.. you'll never feel so after this!!! Its a fun package totally!

Many many activities here, participate in the meet ups, contests... get new friends who may or may not think alike.. write some blogs, give ur comments to other's blogs.. get answers for your questions, try answering some from your experience, join the groups you like!!! Tell him that you too have friends now and not to disturb you when u are in cmoms!!!

Hi Sranj,

I tried to respond your friend's request and verify my phone number. Some other friends also had sent me a request. But it is not working out.. Pls help.. thanks for your responses..I feel better now after listening to these responses.. I learnt from all your responses that I should keep silent for few days.. but will he take advantage of that and cross the limit???

Today also he said that he is going for a film night show with his friends.. I said ok go ahead.. I didnt utter a word.. He said great. that I didnt fight. But i m afraid that will it become usual for him later???????

Hi ,

As Nisha said participate more here ....u will get a big change ...  as in my case ...i was feeling alone staying out of India ...now i don't even feel that i am staying alone , or no friends nearby .... infact now no time atall for me ...i am addicted to this site ...not only me many are same like me...

Now all u have to do is :

Forget about this question what u asked ...don't just give answer for this one topic , or say thanks ......

don't keep thinking in negative way , whether he will be the same like this ? whether he will neglect me totally???? enough .. of all this...stop worrying...We all are sure that he will change ...

come to a mind that u did not ask this question .. 

as Nisha said ... start answering other questions , what all u know... try to involve more here

may be tonight till  he comes home ...u keep urself awake ...and talk to him , what movie u all saw ? was it nice ? u enjoyed well ??? and if he response well ...tell something about ur kid , that he did this that...u missed seeing / hearing that... ask him are u hungry ? need any food ? like this u change and soon he will also change...

expecting more participation from you ...

Yes.. I will engage in other discussions also forgetting this so that I get some diversion.. But the thing I shared here is that I ll get some advise.. Now i heard so many responses and my mind is somewhat ok..

wonderful answer by Sranj and ssb....very practical too... i was deeply distrbed to read someoneresides' problems and it was haunting me for the past 2 days.....that too when she told she was school first,university rank holder ,earns well but her personal life is all in shreds i was totally upset.for someone who lived so good all life studying and aiming at heights,i thought this shdnt have happend.i was so worried abt her....ssb and sranj have offered very practical suggestions and have actually nailed the fact that life doesnt start with hub and end with hub,cant change a matured individual.....and she too has accepted the suggestions. the confidence in her last reply relievd me....kudos girlsAnd.....Bhavani....this site is becoming more of what even u have actually thought it would be.congrats.

SRANJ AND SSB ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. GIVE SPACE AND TAKE YOUR OWN SPACE. GIVE SOME TIME.IT WILL TURN OUT WELL.OK? DEAR.

15 YEARS OF MARRAIGE AND MANAGING AN EGOISTIC MIL, SOMEWHAT CHAVEAUNISTIC HUSBAND HAS TAUGHT ME LOT OF LESSONS IN LIFE. YOUR PROBLEM IS NOTHING COMPARED TO OTHERS PROBLEMS. TAKE HEART.EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.

Hi Dear,

You are totally an independent brave women. Enjoy every phase of your life, why bothering so much about ur hubby who's just spending time with his friends? (trusting they are only male friends of ur hubby)

As far as i've read ur mails and other c'moms. i'm sure that u have a great circle of friends here in this website. U aren't weak dear, are a will educated working women, for sometime don't bother abt anythings just be urself. Silent to good songs/musics, talk to ur friends/parents/colgs etc and keep urself busy. Things will work out in favour of you as time passes.

Take care of ur kids and urself. 

 Ssb has given facts of life. I was also like Ssb before, got married early and wanted to be with my hubby 24*7. The reason was my dad passed away around the time we got married and i was close to my dad.

I was feeling very lonely when i came to Chennai leaving my sisters and mother in blore. it took almost 1.6 yrs for me to settle down and realise the reality. I was alright only when i had my daughter. My life changed after she was born. 

Now i dnt have time for my husband, my hands are full of 2 beautiful daughters. Now he keeps complaining tht i dnt have time for him.

Now wherever he goes, i don't stop him. I do what i want. I take my daughter out if necessary. I don't think i miss him now.

Life is not only hubby and kids...if they can live without us, we can live without them too.

And for me, if i can live without my dad whom i loved sooooo much, i can live without my hubby too.

Its just that we need companion till we die.

Enjoy every moment of your life. Don't feel bad. Pray and God will do wonders for you.

Take care